Midlife What??

The crisis, the changes, the clichés and the business of growing into someone new.

By Helene Waters

A midlife crisis. What exactly is it, and why do we associate it so readily with men when women go through it too?

Between the ages of 40 and 50, men change.

So do women.

Is it woman-o-pause or man-o-pause? Or is it simply that your kids have grown up, they’re starting their own lives, and you’ve finally got a little extra cash to buy that car you’ve been checking out for ever and a day?

You know the one. The car you’ve been eyeing for years while paying school fees, keeping a roof over everyone’s heads and being a responsible adult. Suddenly, the kids don’t need you quite as much, the finances look a little healthier, and you’re thinking, Bugger it. I’m buying the car.

And apparently, you’ve lost your mind.

Welcome to the midlife crisis.

Or is it?

The Sports Car and Other Symptoms of Madness

We all know the stereotype. A man hits forty or fifty, buys a sports car, starts going to the gym, changes his wardrobe and suddenly discovers that women half his age exist.

Perhaps he grows questionable facial hair. Perhaps he takes up cycling and spends an obscene amount of money on equipment that allows him to ride a bicycle that costs more than my first car.

And everyone has an opinion.

He’s having a midlife crisis.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes he’s having the time of his life. Sometimes he’s desperately trying to recapture something he feels he’s lost. Sometimes he’s unhappy, frightened of getting older or wondering whether the life he’s built is actually the life he wants.

And sometimes he just likes the bloody car.

We don’t always know what’s going on inside someone’s head, do we? But we do love a label. Saves us the trouble of asking questions.

Women, naturally, have their own set of labels waiting for them.

Women Have Midlife Crises Too. Apparently.

A woman reaches forty or fifty and decides she’s had enough of the sensible haircut, the sensible clothes and the sensible life she’s been living for everyone else.

She changes her hair. She loses weight, gains weight, starts exercising, takes up dancing, changes careers, starts dating again or decides that she’d quite like to feel attractive.

And suddenly, everybody’s an expert.

She’s having a crisis. She’s desperate to look younger. She’s trying too hard. She’s selfish.

And if she dares to wear something that shows off her figure, someone will inevitably mutter, “Mutton dressed as lamb.”

Because heaven forbid a woman should reach fifty and still enjoy looking good.

A man gets a sports car and he’s having an adventure. A woman gets a new wardrobe and she’s apparently having an identity crisis.

Except, of course, it isn’t always that simple.

Sometimes a man’s changes are celebrated. Sometimes they’re so fiercely criticised that relationships break down and family members disown him. Sometimes a woman’s reinvention is applauded, and sometimes she’s judged, shamed and made to feel that she’s somehow betrayed everyone by daring to be different.

Neither men nor women get a universal permission slip to change. It depends on what they change, how they go about it, who gets hurt and whether the people around them approve.

And therein lies the problem.

We say we want people to be happy. We encourage them to live their best lives. We tell them to follow their dreams.

Provided, of course, that their dreams don’t inconvenience us.

Life Has a Habit of Changing Us

Let’s be honest. By the time we reach forty or fifty, we’ve usually collected a fair bit of life along the way.

Some of it lovely. Some of it absolutely bloody awful.

Some people have been through divorce. Others have been widowed, finding themselves in a life they never imagined having to navigate alone. Some have lost people they thought would be there forever. Others have experienced illness, financial difficulties, broken friendships or the sort of trauma that changes how you see the world.

And then there are those who have spent decades putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, looking after everyone else and hoping they’ll get around to themselves eventually.

Trauma changes people. Grief changes people. Disappointment changes people.

So does surviving something you once thought would break you.

Sometimes the change is obvious. Sometimes it’s quieter. Sometimes you wake up one morning and realise that the things you once wanted no longer matter quite as much, while the things you’ve been putting off have suddenly become terribly important.

Perhaps you no longer want to spend every weekend doing what everyone else expects of you. Perhaps you want to travel, study, start a business or learn something completely new.

Perhaps you want a different relationship.

Perhaps you want to leave a relationship.

Or perhaps you simply want to sit down with a cup of tea without someone asking you to find something, fix something or organise something.

We all have our limits.

And sometimes reaching midlife means finally recognising them.

Step in the Clichéd Cruise

Now, let’s talk about the couples.

You know the ones. They’ve raised their children, worked hard, paid the bills and done all the things responsible grown-ups are supposed to do.

Then the children leave home, and suddenly there’s a bit more money, a bit more time and the opportunity to do something for themselves.

Enter the cruise.

They’re travelling the world, taking photographs, having adventures and discovering that they quite like each other’s company when they aren’t arguing about who forgot to buy milk.

They’re laughing, dancing, exploring new places and making plans for the next trip.

And everyone says, “Look how awesome they are! They’re living their best lives!”

Nobody bats an eyelid.

Nobody suggests they’re having a midlife crisis. Nobody accuses them of being selfish or tells them they’re trying to recapture their youth.

They’re simply enjoying life.

And good for them. Truly.

But the change is still there.

Their priorities have shifted. Their children no longer need them in quite the same way. They have more freedom to spend their time and money differently. Perhaps they’ve rediscovered each other after years of concentrating on work and family. Perhaps they’re finally doing things they’ve talked about for decades.

They’re not the same people they were at thirty.

They’ve grown. They’ve changed. Their relationship has changed too.

We just happen to approve of this particular version of change because it comes with a cruise ship, a few cocktails and some rather lovely holiday photographs.

But what happens when one person wants the cruise and the other wants to stay home?

What happens when one partner wants adventure and the other is perfectly happy with the life they’ve built?

What happens when one person changes and the other doesn’t recognise them anymore?

Suddenly, it’s not quite so simple.

Growing Together, Growing Apart

Some couples grow together. They change their minds about things, discover new interests and find new ways to enjoy each other. They make room for each other’s ambitions and learn that the person they married isn’t necessarily the person they’ll be spending the rest of their lives with.

Because people evolve. Even married people. Especially married people, if they’ve been together long enough.

Other couples grow apart.

Sometimes it’s nobody’s fault. They simply become different people with different needs, different interests and different ideas about what the future should look like.

Sometimes there are deeper problems. Years of resentment, things left unsaid, needs that have gone unmet and conversations that never quite happened.

And sometimes one person wakes up to the realisation that they’ve been living a life that no longer fits them.

That doesn’t automatically make them selfish. It doesn’t automatically make them brave, either.

Change can be necessary and still be painful. Leaving can be the right decision and still hurt the people you love. Staying can be an act of commitment, or it can be a way of avoiding a difficult truth.

Life rarely hands us a neat little answer with a bow on top.

And not every midlife change is a crisis. Sometimes people are struggling. Sometimes they’re making impulsive decisions. Sometimes they’re running away from problems they need to face.

But sometimes they’re simply trying to work out who they are now, after years of being who everyone else needed them to be.

So, Is It a Crisis?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

There isn’t some magical birthday at which we suddenly lose our minds and start making questionable decisions. Not everyone experiences a midlife crisis, and the changes people go through can have very different causes.

Hormones can play a part. Perimenopause and menopause can bring physical and emotional changes for women. Men also experience age-related hormonal changes, although andropause isn’t a direct equivalent of menopause.

But hormones don’t explain everything.

Neither does a sports car.

Sometimes it’s the empty nest. Sometimes it’s grief. Sometimes it’s the end of a marriage, the beginning of another, or the realisation that the person you’ve become doesn’t quite fit the life you’ve built.

Sometimes it’s the first time in years you’ve had the space to think about what you want.

And sometimes, after spending decades being sensible, responsible and thoroughly exhausted, you just want to do something because it makes you happy.

There is nothing inherently wrong with that.

The important bit is how we go about it. We don’t get to use personal growth as an excuse to treat people badly, abandon responsibilities without a thought or leave a trail of destruction behind us. Changing your life doesn’t mean other people stop mattering.

But neither should the fear of upsetting people mean you must remain exactly as you are forever.

A Final Thought

Perhaps we need to stop treating midlife as though it’s a diagnosis.

We’re not finished at forty. We’re not past our best at fifty. And we’re certainly not required to become quieter, less adventurous or less interested in life simply because the calendar says we’ve been around for a while.

Some people will buy the sports car. Others will book the cruise. Someone will leave a marriage, start a new career, fall in love, move countries or finally take up painting.

Someone else will decide they’re perfectly happy right where they are.

All of those things can be valid.

The question isn’t whether people change in midlife. Of course they do. Life has been changing them all along.

The question is what happens when they change in a way that other people don’t like.

Do we give them room to grow? Do we ask what’s going on? Do we try to understand, even when we disagree?

Or do we slap a label on them, call it a crisis and decide we know better?

Maybe the person changing isn’t always the problem. Maybe sometimes the problem is that the people around them are struggling to accept that the person they knew is becoming someone new.

And perhaps that’s the bit we don’t talk about enough.

Because whether you’re forty, fifty or somewhere in between, you’re still allowed to work out who you are.

You’re allowed to change your mind.

You’re allowed to want something different.

Just remember to check the bank balance before buying the sports car.

Some things are personal growth. Others are just expensive mistakes with very good upholstery.

And if you do buy the sports car?

Well, put the top down, pop on your fedora or headscarf and enjoy every second of it.

God knows you’ve probably earned it!